Battle Fatigue

Maybe that's what it is.

We came back from summer vacation/ time off/ sabbatical feeling alright, but it doesn't seem as if there has been enough water under that particular bridge to be feeling so blah... so tired/ unmotivated/ weary/ sad...

It's not the sugar eating away at my energy reserves. Apparently all my blood work is fine. The Doctor said if it was his blood work he'd be very happy with the results.

It could be I'm just not getting enough sleep. I'm still striving to pull off 8 hour nights... and knowing that's probably not enough, even on a regular basis... well... I'm sure that's contributing.

It could be just a "change of life" thing... we're starting to plan for a Wedding in the spring, then our third high school graduation right after that.

It might even be the season. This year, accompanying the beauty of the gold and brown leaves, there is a sadness in me. I'm not really happy about winter coming. I know I will love watching the snow fall, and I will love the quiet brilliance of the first winter blanket being drawn up under the chins of the trees, but I'm really not looking forward to going out in it. Not anticipating with joy and gladness the shovelling, the cold, the boots and gloves, the hats and frozen fingers. Nope. Just not. I could live without needing to cover the windows in plastic. I could live without the dry, forced air heat.

I think I miss my girls too.

Last year they were both gone from home, but they seemed a lot closer. They both had almost 24 hour Internet access, and barely a day went by that we didn't "chat" or shoot an email one way or the other. On evenings that the boys were busy doing boy things Hillary and I often played games over the Internet, keeping up a typed conversation as we played.

This year they both have extremely limited Internet access. It feels as though they are so much farther away, and I miss them.

I'm also feeling my way toward a renaissance of sorts.

It struck me, this morning, that I feel much like I did just before my 30th birthday. The girls would have been 4 1/2 and 5 1/2. Thomas would have been turning 3. I struggled with my place in the grand scheme of things. I remember feeling frustrated and wondering if "this" was my life- was this all I could look forward to. The children were all at an age where they wanted to do things for themselves. "Let Me Do It!" was their constant refrain.

I went through a period of feeling like necessary furniture; we want to make our own choices, but we need you to wipe our bums and noses. We can to do it ourselves, but we need you to clean up the mess when we're done.

I think it feels a little like that again, these days.

I suppose I need to smarten up and get my sleep at night. I have been cutting back on the volunteering,  which is a good thing for my sanity, and I will get back to the pottery studio, which will be a welcome creative outlet,  but these days it's really hard to get motivated... it's hard to not feel melancholic.

Maybe some more leaf- crunching- walking will help...